Simpletons Guide to Winching
Many Land Rover owners who use their vehicles off-road (footballers wives not included) like to fit their vehicle with a winch. Many believe owning a winch makes you look cool, increases penis size and that it also makes you more attractive to the opposite sex, much in the way a peacocks tail feathers do. This belief is of course wrong and people who hold this belief are often referred to as the latter half of a peacock.
Most 4x4 Veterans (people who fought in the great 4x4 wars against the government and higher taxation) are usually familiar with safe winch operation, but those who are not should seek training and information prior to using it, much like the lower classes should seek training on condom use. There are many who ignore this advice at their peril.
Most 4x4 Veterans (people who fought in the great 4x4 wars against the government and higher taxation) are usually familiar with safe winch operation, but those who are not should seek training and information prior to using it, much like the lower classes should seek training on condom use. There are many who ignore this advice at their peril.
Being Safe
Protecting yourself and those around you is the first and foremost concern so take reasonable steps. A suit of medieval armour will protect you, but it will also make you look a bit like a twat. Winches that are overloaded, set-up improperly or coupled with unreliable accessories could fail. Failure could mean a trip to the accident and emergency department where you may have to sit with the Jeremy Kyle class who have bottled each other while arguing over whose turn it is to sleep with their communal girlfriend. Wearing leather gloves will assist protecting your hands, a cup will protect your nuts. Remember have only one person in charge of the winch to avoid confusion. Attach your winch’s remote to the designated place and make sure the remote cable isn’t at risk of being pinched, depending on where you’ll be operating the remote from. |
Anchor Points
This is pretty important. A mistake here could leave you in trouble, anchors are secure objects which will take the weight and strain of removing your vehicle. They are not to be confused with ship anchors which will drag you out to sea where you will be eaten and your Land Rover will not perform well. In order for your vehicle to be moved successfully, the winch must be attached to a secure anchor point in a straight line from the point where your vehicle is stuck. Large trees are good as are large rocks, fence posts, livestock or your mate’s leg are not good. When a handy piece of nature isn’t available, you can utilise another vehicle as the anchor point, such as someone’s Jaguar, but not your mate’s mini. Deeply buried logs with a chain wrapped around them could provide an anchor if you are desperate, please make sure the log is wooden and not one you laid earlier. Connect to the anchor point Disengage the clutch and pull the winch line toward the anchor point in a straight line. Watch out for rocks, branches, or if you are in Norway trolls as snagging a troll can be problematic. Wrap a winch strap around the anchor at the lowest point and slide a D-shackle through the ends and secure the shackle’s bolt. Don’t tighten the bolt too much. |
Hook the winch line
Slide the winch hook up through the shackle and re-engage the clutch back at the winch itself. Begin to wind the winch line back in until there is slight tension on the line if the line is winched to quickly it may break and smack you in your stupid face. If this happens tell yourself you deserved it for not having paid proper attention and re read the guide whilst waiting at the Jeremy Kyle ward.
Double check the connections at the anchor point and make sure that you and your friends are well out of the way of the winch line, should something go wrong. If you don’t have friends and the people who are with you came along simply pretending to be your friends you do not have to do this.
Some people put a blanket or jacket over the winch line, beginners often think this is because the winch line has feelings and may get cold, or that the owner also owns a Chihuahua called ‘butch’ which he dresses up. This is not the case the blanket or jacket can help stop the rope or cable whipping up and hitting you in the chops.
When you’re sure that everyone is out of harm’s way, it’s time to start tugging…. Once you have pulled your pants up again and explained to the local police that you misunderstood this guide you can start using your winch to tug on the stuck vehicle.
Slide the winch hook up through the shackle and re-engage the clutch back at the winch itself. Begin to wind the winch line back in until there is slight tension on the line if the line is winched to quickly it may break and smack you in your stupid face. If this happens tell yourself you deserved it for not having paid proper attention and re read the guide whilst waiting at the Jeremy Kyle ward.
Double check the connections at the anchor point and make sure that you and your friends are well out of the way of the winch line, should something go wrong. If you don’t have friends and the people who are with you came along simply pretending to be your friends you do not have to do this.
Some people put a blanket or jacket over the winch line, beginners often think this is because the winch line has feelings and may get cold, or that the owner also owns a Chihuahua called ‘butch’ which he dresses up. This is not the case the blanket or jacket can help stop the rope or cable whipping up and hitting you in the chops.
When you’re sure that everyone is out of harm’s way, it’s time to start tugging…. Once you have pulled your pants up again and explained to the local police that you misunderstood this guide you can start using your winch to tug on the stuck vehicle.
Begin winching
Slowly spool the cable back onto the winch using the remote control. While winching, it is best to have the vehicle being recovered with the engine running and a driver inside because if it all goes wrong this makes far better YouTube footage. Continue reeling in the cable until the vehicle is on a stable surface. You’ll know you’ve succeeded when the vehicle can drive under its own power, or if your friend is a simpleton when he drives into you forgetting to unhitch the cable. At this point, STOP. Engage the vehicle’s handbrake and re-wind the cable by applying slight tension while walking the rope inward. Make sure that the line does not become tangled while re-spooling and never place hands or other important body parts such as your penis near the drum or cable while re-spooling this is both perverted and dangerous. Remember, the straight line pull is just one way to use a winch to free a stuck vehicle. Practice before using your winch in a sticky situation for the first time. It’s a great excuse to bring some friends over and play cars in the garden, you can even show them your new Tonka truck and sand pit. **caution group tugging may lead to blindness and a tendency to dress up** |
You'll know when your target vehicle is free
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